if I’d used the whole pack of candles the caption would have been - a little less “16 candles” a little more pizza. #poppunkpizzaparty

Bday weekend = Donny Osmond #awwyiss

tiauska:

I feel like one of the greatest conquests of the english language is the phrase ‘I’ma’ because it’s an abbreviation for ‘I am going to’ like we managed to subtract all the spaces and three-fourths of the letters and we still know what it means that’s powerful

(via keepingquietishard)

“Fluff rice with a fork, never stir it with a spoon.
Vaseline is the best night time eye cream on the market.
You can buy alcohol and chips with your parents’ gas station credit cards.
If you force something, you’ll break it. That could be good or bad.
It’s important to read the care tags on your clothing and follow those instructions.
Related: don’t wash and dry j. crew wool sweaters.
Changing your car’s oil is not optional.
Whatever physical objects you acquire you will one day have to put into a box and move.
You’re allowed to disagree with negative feedback.
It’s always worth reading the instruction manual.
Nostalgia, like any drug, can be a poison or a remedy.
Pets are like human friends but better in every conceivable way.
Good doctors listen more than they talk.
You can’t fix a burned roux.
Floss.
Just because someone is an authority figure does not mean they are intelligent/competent/right.
Measure twice, cut once.
Get your nice jeans and dress pants tailored by a professional.
If you’re uncomfortable wearing it you will not look good.
You’re not required to drink alcohol while in a bar.
There are a few things that cure all ills: the beach, your favorite album on vinyl, and fresh garlic.
Kindness is not weakness.
Baking soda is not baking powder.
Taking Excedrin P.M. while still in public is not advisable.
Terrible people will succeed. Wonderful people will fail. The world is not fair.
Appropriate footwear is always key.
You can absolutely be too forgiving.
Real humor punches up, not down.
Reading the assigned chapters will actually help you learn the material.
There are no adults. Everyone is as clueless as you are.
Applying eyeliner well is a timeless art.
You can always leave. Awkward dates, suffocating jobs, hometowns that you outgrow, relationships that aren’t growing in the right direction.
You can always come home again.
But it won’t be the same.
Life is too short for bad books, boring movies, shitty people, and margarine.
Never underestimate the importance of eyebrows.”

Omigod my face has gotten so fat i dont know how ive ignored this for so long. Officially in blimp deflate mode now.

Outtake from Gordon’s new workout DVD. Should be hitting stores nationwide in Aug 2014

misterhayden:

All butterflies are convicted criminals.

Nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

(via afternoonsnoozebutton)

Idea for a two-volume book series:

  • Book one: a life-affirming story about pretentious teens with superiority complexes who have experiences and give nauseatingly quotable musings on philosophy and what it means to be alive, which often involves their enjoyment of books and tea and their condescending view of the popular kids as sheep
  • Book two: the same exact story, except this time it's being narrated by the teacher who has to deal with these asshole kids on a daily basis but is legally barred from saying "are you fucking kidding me" when they say some pretentious bullshit about how they prefer the smell of old books to the taste of alcohol. The teacher is re-telling the story to her friend at the bar, and her friend refuses to accept that these children could POSSIBLY be as pretentious as she makes them sound

partybarackisinthehousetonight:

ya know that kid whos at the arcade and is just watching the demo for a game but they’re pressing the buttons like they’re playing?? well that’s how i’m handling adulthood so far

(via keepingquietishard)